Core Story

What is my core story?  I love my job, and my job is my life, so I love my life.  That is a statement that I should not write for a lot of reasons.  One, I know people who are fighting to get into jobs like mine, people who are more qualified than I was when I was first looking.  By saying this, I am not trying to brag but trying to show my gratitude.  Also saying that my job is my life is something that really freaks a lot of people out.  As someone wrote on Facebook the other day when I said something along these lines, "When does the job end and life begin?"  To me, they're intertwined, purposely.  I don't have kids.  This is a world that puts up a lot of roadblocks to gay men having children.  We explored our options in the late 1990s and decided in 2000 that we were officially not going to have children.  So, we both began to explore other options for what our life could become, which meant we both devoted more time to our careers.  It also meant that we started regular saving for big trips, what with not having to save for college or anything like that.

But, basically, he returned to graduate school, and I finished.  I got the job where we decided to make our permanent home.  And we both work all the time but in ways that don't feel like work.  Oh, sure, there are days when the deadlines and demands get to be a bit much.  In general, though, we're reading things that relate to our work, we're watching things on TV on in the movie theatres that relate to our work, and we're spending time talking about our work.  And we feel very, very lucky to be able to do that.  While I'm on sabbatical, he will be finishing his dissertation, and we'll be there to support each other, reading srafts, offering encouragement, giving each other space when needed and shoulder at other times.

My core story is that I love talking, reading, writing, and thinking about all these things I get to talk, read, write, and think about.  I seek opportunities where I can do more talking, reading, writing, and thinking.  I don't do it to be a star or to impress anyone; the rather short list of publications on my CV sure proves that.  It's more about the daily routine, the curling up in the chair in my office with a good book, the curling up on the couch with the husband to watch a movie that will have us talking for weeks.

I am lucky to be where I am, and I know that.  Things can change very quickly, which is why I try to appreciate and celebrate what I have while I have.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Gift

What's the greatest gift I have been given this year?  The ability to say no.  This relates to the moment to which I keep referring whenever we're supposed to write about important moments of the past year.  For years, people have been telling me I need to learn to say no.  Sometimes, my answer was that I would say no when I wanted to.  But this past year has taught me that even if I don't want to say no, saying no really might be the best thing in the long run.  Or it just might mean more time for the things to which I have already said yes.  I've known that I could say no for years.  This past year, I truly started to believe it.  And act on it.

Defining Moment

The prompt for #reverb10 is to discuss a defining moment of the past year, but I feel like that's been the primary topic of all of the #reverb10 posts.  In this entry, I link to previous posts where I wrote about the topic.  It has come up so many times in the prompts that this is now the second post where I'm linking to posts where I already talk about it.  #reverb 10 has been fun, but I'm a little over talking about moments from the past year.  Or maybe it's just a sign that I lead a lame life since I don't have numerous ones to discuss?  Well, I'd argue that all my effort from the past few years has finally created a sense of cohesion that I've wanted for a long time.  And that's a good thing.

Achieve

I think it's pretty obvious from previous posts what I want to achieve in 2011: productivity.  I want to get stuff done.  Already during this winter break, I have written more than I have during any other winter break, and I still have some time left.  I have thirteen pages done for an article I want to get done for a journal's deadline of February 15, and I actually feel like I can do that.  After I post this, I'm going to add a bit more to it.  The #reverb10 prompt says to list ten things we can do or thoughts we can have so that we can feel what we say we want to feel next year.  Again, as previous posts show, I've been thinking of this for awhile, so I do have things in mind.

1. Apply for the grants and fellowships I have on my calendar.  I have a few grants and such that I want to apply for.  Some are long shots, and some feel doable.  No matter in which category they fall, I plan to get these done and then move on.  I think the moving on is important because I want to put forth a good effort but not obsess over everything.
2. Keep track of my spending.  The sabbatical comes with a 40% pay cut.  I've been planning for that since I started thinking of my sabbatical application.  I was eligible to apply for this year, but I wasn't going to do that as long as we had two mortgages.  Now, I feel fine about things, but I know that I need to be more conscious of my spending so I don't have to think about money during the year.
3. Write regularly.  I'm not saying I should write daily because I actually don't think daily writing is the best thing to do, but I do need to write regularly, whether I meet time goals or page goals.
4. Read regularly.  This is why I do not think I need to write daily.  Some days, I should just read something that relates to my writing.  Today, I stopped at Starbucks before a movie just to read, and what I read is what I'm planning to put into the article I'm not writing, which is why I have something to add tonight.
5. Move regularly.  I am making a pledge to stop talking about exercising.  I do not plan to exercise.  But I plan to move more.  For me, that means walking more.  When I'm in NYC, I already enter or exit the subway at a stop or two before or after the stop closest to where I need to be.  And that's what I want to do.  With winter coming, that does mean hitting the treadmill.  But I just need to move, which gets the blood flowing and gives me time to think.
6. Dream.  I need to dream, to daydream and imagine what it would be like to achieve the big things or make big steps.  This allows me to follow the cliche of reaching for the stars and ending up higher than I would have if I hadn't tried to reach for them.  I need to dream, usually when I'm walking.
7. Sleep.  I have gotten a lot better about sleeping in the last few months, and I need to do that.  I need to stop feeling guilty for sleeping late.  I'm a night owl.  So I often will sleep until ten in the morning this coming year, but that's fine because I have the energy to work well into the night.  It doesn't matter when I work, so it shouldn't matter when I sleep.  I just need to do it.
8. Review my journals.  I have always thought I should go through all the journals I have been keeping off-and-on since fourth grade to see what's there, to keep track of ideas, and just to reflect.  I know that will be good for me in a lot of ways.
9. Clear out the clutter.  Yes, I'm an anal-retentive Virgo, so I'm pretty organized.  But there are always things to go through.  There are some boxes and plastic totes shoved in the back of closets during our move, and now is the time to go through them, slowly but surely.  I always tell my students that fastwriting and brainstorming help you empty your head of ideas to make room for new ones.  And I think the same works physically.  I get rid of things I do not need, and I make room for things that are better for me.
10. Believe in myself.  I need to remember that I can do this.  It's not about impressing anyone.  It's about putting work out there that I believe in, that says what I want to say.  If I keep that in mind, I'll be happy with what I've produced in 2011 and beyond.

This was a good one.  I like how the prompt forced me to articulate a few things more concretely.  Here's to doing it!

Ordinary Joy

The moments this past year when I felt ordinary joy are generally private ones.  They are all those moments when the husband and I ended up having a spontaneous, random, extended conversation.  I can remember coming home from work, and we end up sitting at the kitchen table for an hour talking about something I read online about some TV show we watch, and then we end up talking about politics, which then segues into some memory we share, and then it all circles around again.  These conversations can't be planned, but they happen every few weeks.  It's the randomness that I love, how it goes from serious to ridiculous to intimate.  And then we retreat to our offices for whatever work we have to do.

We have lots of time to talk during the week.  We talk when we drive to our Friday movie, and we talk at dinner.  We talk at dinner on weekend nights, and we chat everyday about whatever happened.  But it's these spontaneous random moments that I love.  I can't make them happen, but I appreciate them when they do.

Soul Food

I'm sorry I cannot look at today's #reverb10 prompt after spending the last few days writing about gay pornography without giggling like an adolescent boy, but the question "What went into your mouth and touched your soul?" has had me laughing since I read it.  A big part of that, though, is that I'm not a foodie, and I can't think of any meals that I ate this year that touched my soul.  Oh, I am very lucky to have a husband who loves to cook, especially at holidays.  We've been together long enough that we have foods we love to eat at certain times of the year, especially when the meal is just about us.  In fact, while eating our Christmas dinner, I pointed out that we have not had lasagna in a while, what with both of us being so busy during the semester.

In 2010, I did not do a lot of traveling that involved eating.  I have in the past.  I do always like to have one fancy meal when I'm in a new city.  I have to admit that I love Qi's lunch specials whenever I'm in New York City, and I was just introduced to them this past November.  For $10, I can get shrimp pad thai and crispy dumplings, feeling full for the rest of the afternoon and feeling like I ate good, solid food without a lot of processing.

It's just been in the past few years that I started improving my palate with visits to good, local restaurants when I travel.  As expensive as they are, I can't do a lot of them, but we visit Braza for special events here at home.  I wish I could remember the two restaurants we went to last summer when we were in Bangor.  Our friends took us, and I filled myself with shrimp, which is my favorite thing to do.  Oh, I can't forget that we did hit Cafe Adobe when we flew to Texas for my niece's wedding.  I eat there at least once whenever I am in town.

I certainly love food, but I don't know a lot about it.  I'm trying, though, and having a good time when I do.

Photo

The prompt for #reverb10 is to select a photo of ourselves that represents us from this past year.  I have a lot to choose from, I'm going to choose the photo of my Christmas loot.



I think this represents who I am in more ways.  We love books in this house.  I'm running out of room for new ones but plan on buying bookcases at some point.  And this photo has a bunch of stuff that describes who I am and where my mind is at the moment.  There are some art books (or at least one big one on the bottom) related to my big research project at the moment.  There are some smaller books on sexual cultures relating to my research in general.  And there are a lot of memoirs since those are what I read for fun.  There's also the entire series of Square Pegs, which the husband made me promise I would not make him watch.  I won't.  I'll save it to watch here on the computer.  In fact, I may slide in a disc when I'm done with this and have it run in the corner.

But if you want to know who I am and where my head is at right now, this photo is perfect.  It gets at the various parts of me.  Totally different head.  Totally.

Everything's Okay

I feel like I have already written about the one moment this past year that showed me that everything would be alright.  In fact, I wrote about it more than once and have referred to it often.  Now, I must be honest.  One reason why I feel like I can handle certain wrenches thrown at me in my career because I have tenure.  As things change, I know that I will most likely have a job.  So, I felt like things were going to be okay even as they change because I know that chances are pretty good that I will be able to pay bills and stay safe, warm, fed, and comfortable.  Many times, when I get worried and anxious, I remind myself how easy I have it, which I have also written about this month.  So, yeah, everything's cool.

New Name

The #reverb10 prompt is about what name you would use if you could introduce yourself by a new name for a day.  I'm not going to write about that.  I love my name.  It's unique and weird, and I love that.  I can't even think of any other name that I would use or why I would want to use one.  Been trying to think about it today and can't come up with anything.

So, instead, I will thank Sara for giving me a Versatile Blogger Award!



I am now supposed to give seven facts about myself that you can't learn anywhere else.  That's difficult for me because I have pretty much put everything out there online that I am comfortable putting out there.  But here we go.

1. The first series of books I was addicted to was the Encyclopedia Brown series.  I was in third grade.  I remember checking books out from the school library to read in the doctor's office because that was when I had surgery on my ears to put tubes in to relieve the hearing loss I was suffering and was seeing him monthly for a while as he checked out the results of the surgery and removed the tubes when the time came.  I stopped reading them when I was able to figure out that case because I didn't like figuring out the ending.  I rarely try to guess the secret in films or movies.
2. I actually love playing racquetball but haven't done it in years.  There's no place around here to do it easily or cheaply.
3. When I was in therapy, I had to fill out the typical background form, which meant stating that my brother committed suicide in his 30s.  Of course, the therapist had to gravitate toward that and how it affected me.  My response?  "I only remember seeing him twice in my life.  The first time was accidentally in a parking lot, and I was stunned by how much we looked alike.  I just didn't know him."  And we moved on.
4. I could become a pescatarian very easily not so much because I love fish, but I love shrimp.  My grandfather built a shrimp boat called The Cajun Queen.  I would still need a steak now and then, though.
5. The greatest gift of my childhood was the fact that my maternal grandmother lived with us until she had a stroke when I was fourteen, which was the first difficult thing I ever faced.  When she died my second semester of college, my parents were divorced but still got together to talk about who should call me.  They supposedly spent an hour just on that subject until my father called me in my dorm right before I left for dinner.
6. I spent most of my high school years in fear of what might happen to me for being gay, smart, and just plain different, but nothing ever happened to me (thankfully).  And I never did let my fear stop me from wearing hot pink shoelaces.
7. When the X Games or the like are on, I get bored easily unless it's freestyle street rollerblading.  Even if skateboarders of bikers are on the same course, I get bored.  When it's rollerblading, I'm riveted.  Maybe because the wheels are attached to their feet no matter what?

And I am supposed to give the award to seven bloggers.  I choose Michael, Bill, Dave, Natalie, Julie, Chubarama (possibly NSFW), and a blogger I care about who keeps a locked blog and shall remain nameless.

Travel

2010 was not a year where we did a lot of travel.  After Russia in 2008, we knew our next big trip would be Japan, but the savings for that got wiped out when we bought our new condo, so it'll be a few years.  We did travel to Maine to see friends we had not seen since 2006, and that was a blast.  As I said when I wrote about friendship, it's great to just pick up where you left off with people.  And their kids are great.  The two-year old daughter we'd never met had the husband wrapped around her little finger, and the son we'd already met is, frankly, like a smaller version of me.  It was a good few days.

In May, we flew back to Texas for my niece's wedding.  It was an emotional event, but it was fun.  Still freaky to see this girl become a married woman even if she is twenty-three years old.  I still remember the day she was born!  The photo above is what my sister was able to get displayed on the marquee of the theatre that is downtown but has been closed for decades now.  And we'll be going back in the coming May for my nephew's graduation from high school.  He actually turns eighteen on Saturday.  Now all that can make a guy feel old.

I also spent a lot of time in New York City.  Thanks to Priceline, I got some great deals on hotels and was able to spend the night a few times for the class I was auditing at NYU.  I love being able to take a train into the city so easily.

In 2011, we do not have any travel planned other than the trip to Texas (though we are hoping for a few days in New Orleans), but I may do some during the sabbatical.  I'm actually applying for a grant that will enable me to travel to Paris and Mexico City, place that influenced the artists I'm studying.  I worked on that grant yesterday and found a lot of information that will help me on that.  I will also be going in New York City a lot for archival work and maybe Washington DC for more.

Travel is our thing, and we plan to do whatever we can when we can.

Future Self

What advice would I give to myself for the coming year while keeping the me of five years from now in mind?  Just do it.  I know I'm getting repetitive in these posts, and I could blame the prompts, but that probably wouldn't be fair.  The fact is that I have been dreaming of going on sabbatical for a couple of years now.  When I would have a bad day at work, I would imagine what it would be like not to have to go to work.  I would imagine responding to emails with, "I'm sorry.  I am on sabbatical for the year.  You should contact so-and-so."  I was eligible to apply for a sabbatical for this year, but the application was due when we had two mortgages, and year-long sabbatical comes with a pay cut.  I knew I could not apply until we sold our old place.  So, the daydreaming continued.  Then, I spent last summer working on my application.  It didn't take all summer to write, but I thought about it often.  I wanted it, so I worked for it.  And I got it!  Now, my daydreams are about what I will do with it.  I'm applying for grants and fellowships, so I daydream about what I would do if I win any of them.  But I also keep in mind that I do not need any of them to complete my work.

That is why, when I think of myself five years from now, I tell myself to spend the next year just doing it.  Just write.  Read and plan, which I am good at doing, but also write.  I already plan to spend most days of the week writing.  Right now, I have published three articles in peer-reviewed journals and one chapter in a book.  In five years, I can double that.  I can spend the next year laying the foundation for that.  Actually, I expect to more than double that.  I will either have my book done around five years from now or decided to turn it into a series of articles.  And while I am doing this, my husband will finish his dissertation and be writing his own articles or book.  These next few years will be like the recent ones where we support each other in our work.

Bonus: what would I tell the me of ten years ago?  Along the lines of what I just wrote, just do it.  Ten years ago, I was just starting to study for my candidacy exams, and my anxiety was growing.  I would also tell myself to go into therapy rather than waiting until my anxiety was making me physically ill.  I would tell myself to stop worrying about being perfect or right.  I would tell myself that there are people out there who will always criticize me no matter what I do.  But there are also people who like what I do.  And, frankly, most people could care less about what I do, which is a big reason why I should just follow my heart and mind, doing what feels right and opening myself up to the people who support me.

In a nutshell, I would tell the me of ten years ago to get over myself, and I plan to support the me of five years from now by getting over myself as much as possible.

Beyond Avoidance

What have I spent this year ignoring?  Actually, not a lot.  That's actually a change for me.  I am someone who has a history of avoidance.  I won't go into it, but I got yelled at a lot as a kid.  Sometimes, it was justified.  Sometimes, it was not.  It did not rise to the level of abuse even though I think anger at other people I now realize was sometimes taken out on me.  But my defense became avoidance, which doesn't exactly stop getting yelled at, but at least then I don't feel like I'm being criticized for not doing something I didn't know I should be doing.  When I was in therapy, we talked about this, and my coping strategy became asking myself what was the true worst case scenario if I did something and failed.  Most of the time, the worst case scenario was not that bad, and it also rarely happened.

Perhaps it's because of being in therapy from 2005-9 and the fact that a lot in my life has stabilized with tenure, but I have gotten a lot better at not avoiding things.  Oh, sure, could I do more for my health?  Yes, but it's not like I've done nothing.  I did not hit the treadmill as much I should have, but I did take my summer hikes and reduce carbonated, sugary drinks in my life.  I did not finish a lot of research this past year, but I worked on some things including my successful sabbatical application that will allow me to do more next year.  I also had my first year in a long time of not having one cent of credit card debit or paying one cent of interest.  Even on this holiday break, I have already called and scheduled all appointments and meetings that I wanted to have, with my doctor, for my car, and with a couple of colleagues about projects.

2010 was a year when I did more, and I hope all of that sets up an even more productive 2011.

Healing

I think 2010 was the year that I healed from my mother's death in 2007.  I'm not saying I'm fully over it or that I will never hurt again, but the wound has healed with a visible scar that does not hurt at the touch.  Looking back, I realize now that I spent the first six months in shock.  In February 2008, I started breaking down a lot.  It surprised me when it started happening because there were times when I couldn't control it.  Then, the anger came, and that lasted for a good while.  Today, I can't remember the last time I cried.  I tear up now and then, but the true tears haven't hit for a while.  That does not mean they won't, but I can talk about her much more easily than I could.  In the last phone conversation I had with my sister, I brought up my mother naturally, and it wasn't a big deal, just a part of the conversation.  It's been well over three years, so it's good to be at this point.  Sad to think that over three years have passed.  That's the worst part, living my life and doing things she'll know nothing about, but I can acknowledge that without breaking down.  And I can continue living my life without feeling guilt.  Actually, it would insult her more if I were not living my life after all the sacrifices and work she did for me to get here.

So, that's what I'm doing.  I'm taking the gift that is life and living it.  I'm enjoying the present, learning from the past, and making plans for a future.  And a lot of that is because of her.

Try

Like Natalie, I often think of the word try as a waffling work, a way to commit without committing.  And try is something I do all the time.  I'm always trying things out.  As I've said in other posts this month, I have a history of going to workshops and taking on projects for no other reason than they sound like an interesting thing to try.  Trying is what I need to stop doing, actually.  To follow yesterday's post, I now need to stop trying so much and finish some things, make some progress, commit to more, focus more.  So, in the coming year, I plan to try less but do more.

Lesson Learned

I would not say I have fully learned it, but last year, I learned to believe in myself more.  In college, I was an English major specializing in the writing of poetry.  You know why?  Because poems are short.  If one didn't go well, I could move on.  The thought of committing to a long writing project, spending all semester on a short story or something longer felt potentially like too much of a waste of time.  But this past year, for reasons that have been mentioned in other posts this month, I started to think about the kinds of projects I have on my plate.  I started to think about the number of unfinished projects on my plate.  I started to think of good ideas that would take a pretty good amount of time to complete.  Professionally, I said no to more than I have in the past so I could make time for my own work, more time than I've made for it in the past.

By this time next year, I will have more to show from what I have learned this year about the need to believe in myself and commit to more.  And it will keep growing from there.

Friendship

I admit that I rolled my eyes when I saw that the topic for #reverb10 today was friendship.  That's a word that's always made me cringe.  It's so abstract and vague, and that's become even worse in an era where "friend" has become a verb as well as a noun.

And then, in a bit of synchronicity, I exchanged IMs today with a friend, the kind of friend I have had my entire life.  I don't have a lot of people with whom I feel comfortable sharing things.  You know, the kind of person you say the truth to when they ask, "Hey, how have things been?"  Most of the time I smile and say "fine," but with a few people, they'll get more of the story.  And what I find especially interesting--what I further confirmed in that conversation this afternoon--is that I am that way with people for life even if we speak rarely.  I have my husband, a daily source of support, and I am lucky to have him.

The friends with whom I can share anything are not a part of my daily life, but I reconnect with them very easily.  My sister is something of an example.  We speak about four or five times a year.  It's not often.  But when we get together, we act like kids who hang out all the time.  My husband is always surprised by how we act, and my mother would always shake her head at us (though I know she loved when we were all together acting like this).  I am that way with certain people, able to pick up right where we left off when we were a daily part of each other's lives.  It feels great when it happens, and it reminds me that I do have friends even if I have spent much of my life as an introverted loner who normally prefers to eat alone at conferences or meetings or other public gatherings.  Something I need to remember.

Five Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I want to remember my hikes last summer and what it felt like to walk on packed-down dirt, small stones, and decomposed leaves surrounded by trees with only pockets of sky above me, wind blowing all the while.  I want to remember how at home I have felt here in our new home, especially as we bought a few things to make it more ours, like the new table in the breakfast nook and all the work I've done in my home office: the new desk, the painting, the new shelves.  I want to remember working on my sabbatical application last summer and feeling like my ideas were coming together so easily and without effort, and I want to remember what it felt like to read the letter finding out I'd received a sabbatical. I want to remember my trips into New York City and other parts of the state, the guys I met when I went to Albany and Poughkeepsie. I want to remember sitting on the train listening to great music on my iPod, new stuff from Robyn and great dance music in general, the towns of coastal Connecticut flashing past me.  I want to remember some of the topics that came up in my classes that got people talking (and learning): pornography, censorship, Columbine, The V

Appreciate

I think 2010 was the year that I began to appreciate my freedom.  Years ago, I was talking with a friend, and it came up that she was very happy she had kids but sometimes sad that she couldn't just cut loose and go off on a trip, and I was very happy that I had the ability to just cut loose and go off on a trip, but I was sometimes sad that I didn't have kids.  Then, we started talking about people who spend all their time lamenting what they do not have instead of appreciating what they do.

This past year, I started to think about more ways to take advantage of the life I have instead of feeling sorry for myself about the things I don't.  It's one reason I took more hikes last summer in the area.  It's one reason I spent more nights in NYC this past semester on nights before the class I was auditing at NYU.  It's a big reason I applied for a year-long sabbatical for next year, and the university announced publicly today that I am one of the winners.  I am already planning to apply for fellowships that will allow me to live away from home for various periods of time.  Of course, it's not like I can do this only because I do not have kids.  I have colleagues in my hallway who have done year-long sabbaticals and lived out of the country with young twins to raise.

I'm just saying that I spent more time this past year asking myself what I can do instead of focusing on what I can't.  That means I've felt like I've done more in the past few months, too.  I'm not sure I've actually done anymore than I would have, but I am more aware of it.  Even my husband says I whine less.

Notice I'm not saying I no longer whine.  I just do it less.

Action

Oh, in the coming year, I am all about action.  If you look at my research blog, you will see a list of general projects on the right.  By summer 2012, I plan to have made serious headway on all of those projects.  Some will be done, and some will be drafted, and some will be researched.  But I am planning to spend the next year-and-a-half making serious headway on my scholarship, building a foundation that I can use to create what I need to create to go up for full professor in a few years.

When I started this job, I read that the research that gets you tenure is done in the first three years on the job.  You go up for tenure in years six or seven, but a lot of work has to get done early to make time for the academic publishing process.  That's why I'm making serious plans for the next eighteen months or so.  I'll be working on things for the next few years if I want to go up for full professor around the time I turn fifty.  But a good, solid year of concentrated work will lay just the foundation I need so that I can enjoy the process and not stress out.

At least, that's the plan.

Body Integration

I think I have already addressed today's #reverb10 prompt about a moment when I felt that my mind and body had truly integrated.  It's the same experience I wrote in my post about a moment this past year when I felt truly in the moment, aware of all the senses.  So, check that one out if you haven't.  It's either my first or second favorite of the posts I have written this month.

And though it didn't happen this year but in 2009, this prompt also made me think of the Depeche Mode concert I attended at Madison Square Garden in August.  Here's a video of them performing "Precious" that night.