Sunday, December 19, 2010


I think 2010 was the year that I healed from my mother's death in 2007.  I'm not saying I'm fully over it or that I will never hurt again, but the wound has healed with a visible scar that does not hurt at the touch.  Looking back, I realize now that I spent the first six months in shock.  In February 2008, I started breaking down a lot.  It surprised me when it started happening because there were times when I couldn't control it.  Then, the anger came, and that lasted for a good while.  Today, I can't remember the last time I cried.  I tear up now and then, but the true tears haven't hit for a while.  That does not mean they won't, but I can talk about her much more easily than I could.  In the last phone conversation I had with my sister, I brought up my mother naturally, and it wasn't a big deal, just a part of the conversation.  It's been well over three years, so it's good to be at this point.  Sad to think that over three years have passed.  That's the worst part, living my life and doing things she'll know nothing about, but I can acknowledge that without breaking down.  And I can continue living my life without feeling guilt.  Actually, it would insult her more if I were not living my life after all the sacrifices and work she did for me to get here.

So, that's what I'm doing.  I'm taking the gift that is life and living it.  I'm enjoying the present, learning from the past, and making plans for a future.  And a lot of that is because of her.

Monday, July 21, 2008--Saint Petersburg, Russia

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