Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The End of an Era

As I mentioned on Twitter/Facebook, I had my last therapy session today. I suspected it was going to be the last, which I've talked about before. I think the value of therapy is that you are talking to someone who is completely on your side and whom you don't have to make happy. That last part is important. Yes, Da Man is 100% on my side, but if I vent to him, he might start to worry. When the anxiety was getting to me so much that I'd vomit, he was very concerned. So I needed someone I could talk to who wouldn't worry. I needed a place where I could say anything without worrying about a reaction. Usually, I'd vent and find a way to talk about the same issues with Da Man later without him worrying. And it's been great.

As we reached the end of today's session, I started to choke up. That surprised me. Yes, I cry at the drop of a hat, but I didn't think it was going to happen. And while a little of it was fear of change, a lot of it was joy. I have grown. I will never handle things perfectly or with ease, but I'm not letting things eat at me like I used to do. I'm more aware of how, when certain feelings start to rise in me, it's not the end of the world. I've started to feel anger, which is a real switch for me. I would turn things inward, and now I recognize that I sometimes have the right to get pissed. And can you believe that Da Man is happy about that? He's happy when he thinks I'm standing up for myself, even when it means I'm standing up against him.

I told my therapist that there are certainly things we could talk about but, right now, I don't feel like they are holding me back. And it would feel like nitpicking. Plus, I no longer want to spend the energy working on so many things. I want to take the time to enjoy my life. I've had a rough few years what with tenure stress and my mother's death and some other problems with other people in my life (and, no, Da Man is not one of them). And I've gotten to a good, solid place with all of that. Things do change, but I have the option and the right to enjoy where I am in my life.

So that's what I'm now trying to do.

1 comment:

  1. what a moving post. congratulations on your successful therapy!